Rejoice! A Child Is Born, Who Shall Be Crucified
thirty-odd years later. Yay! Break out the brandied eggnog!
Why’s everybody looking so down all of a sudden? Seriously, you need to appreciate this.
I know a lot of you have been a bit confused about whether I’m a good God, what with arranging the natural order of the world so that children suffer and die all the time. (I don’t actually torture and kill them myself, though I allow it to happen – important distinction, that. It’s the difference between throwing the baby in the fire, and just leaving a lantern burning in the straw and allowing the nursery to burn down; not the same thing at all.)
Anyway, I heard you bewailing the unfairness of it all. Fact is, it’s not unfair at all, because I warned your ultimate forebears not to scrump from my apple tree, and they disobeyed me, which was wrong. They may not have known right from wrong at the time, but I made sure they knew afterward, heh heh! Obviously I had no choice but to punish all their descendants for that, to various degrees… and no,having no choice is not incompatible with omnipotence. Everybody has to do what I want, including me, and that’s what I wanted.
I am a bit sorry about drowning just about everyone when they didn’t live up to my hopes for them though, that’s why the rainbow. I truly regretted not applying the old omniscience a touch more diligently so I could foresee how regrettable that incident would be. Be fair though, I did have Noah warn you for forty years that that was coming down, so it’s hardly my fault you chose to regard him as some kind of nut. I’m not to be blamed.
Where was I… oh yes, everywhere. Well, as you’ve doubtless gathered since then, my regret extends only to full scale annihilation of everybody but one family. I do admit that was a bit harsh, but I reserve the right to let lesser quantities of children die, from being drowned in tsunamis, crushed in earthquakes, roasted in wildfires, consumed by disease or simply starved to death. No more than millions at a time, mind, and always some kept in reserve, you have my rainbow on that! Still, the children will continue to suffer, because it’s part of My Plan, and what kind of God would I be if I went changing My Plan just to avoid pointless horror?
However, I repeat: Rejoice! I’ve seen how terrible it all is, especially for parents who have had to watch their children die horribly, and I’ve decided to do something about it! So I’m going to send my own kid down there to explain to everyone about how I really prefer for people to be nice to one another, and in his mid-thirties He’s destined to die a horribly painful death-by-torture as well. That way you’ll know that I, too, know what it is watch your kid die without being able to do anything about it (or, in My case, choosing not to do anything about it – but as I explained, when you’re omnipotent it amounts to the same thing).
I must admit, the boy didn’t seem that thrilled about the end mission, but He’s come around. I explained that He’s going to rise again on the third day, so His sacrifice is really only going to amount to one lousy weekend, and in exchange He gets to save the whole human race… well, actually only a miniscule portion of it, according to My omniscience, but that’s better than nothing, and I explained that if He didn’t play along the whole lot of them were doomed.
See, by my original rules I was going to have to torture all of you forever – I’d have no choice in that, because that’s how I set it up. Now, however, a few people who hear the Word (has to be the correct Word, mind, and there may be a few publishing glitches) and manage to implement all the detailed instructions correctly will NOT be tortured forever – they’ll get to move in with Me and spend Eternity singing My praises instead, which is a lot better than what the majority will be singing, heh heh!
All this comes into effect immediately after my darling boy has lived a short life and allows Himself to be tortured to death for a bit, give or take a couple of millennia. Did I mention it’s His birthday today?